Wednesday, 25 January 2012

from the beginning...

So.. here we are.. the 2nd installment.

I thought I would start with number 1 on my list, it is afterall possibly the single biggest influence on who I am as it is the identity that I am most comfortable with and also the one that makes me happiest.

I am sure many of you reading this have shared similar experiences. Having been online for a while, I have got to be quite familiar with other trans bio's and many many stories recounted are very similar. A situation, a circumstance, whatever it may be, the fact of the matter is is that I am a man then prefers being a woman and the reason I do this is not so different from many others. But my own personal story is as follows..

I was 4 or 5 years old. My Grandmother had knitted a toy snake and used her old granny tan coloured tights to stuff it. For whatever reason, the snake had gotten old and the tights started to be exposed. As a naturally curious 5 year old, I had an obsession to understand what made things work. This included pulling out pairs of tights from said snake.

Having removed a few pairs, for whatever reason, that I can't explain I tried the tights on. Also, forwhatever reason, I started wearing tights to school under my trousers. I don't know why, I was only 5 after all.

From the age of 11 I started experimenting with make up in the bathroom at home. I am convinced my mother knew what I was up to and had left foundation, eyeshadow, blusher, lipstick in the top draw of a cabinet on the bathroom. It was old stuff she didnt use.. so why not just bin it? In anycase, it gave me the opportunity to experiment in peace.

My first effort to apply liquid foundation was a disaster. I squeezed out enough foundation to cover my whole body, not just my face. Maybe try a bit less next time I thought as I looked at myself in the mirror with the sandy beige liquid dripping from my face.

This carried on until I left home at 17 when I had much more freedom & time to myself to experiment. I was asked to leave home by both my parents. The fact they had been divorced for 5 years and lived in seperate houses with their new respective partners, thats going some in the 'piss off your parents stakes' but I firmly believe these things happen for a reason.

I spent 6 months in Paris living in a hotel. This was difficult for me, for one I didnt speak french, secondly i had very little time to myself and even if I did, my lack of clothes meant I couldn't express myself even if I wanted to.

On my return to England, I moved to Kent and it was here that I had my first day out dressed. Off my face on amphetamines and wearing a rather short black dress, coat & heels I bravely walked to the train station one early saturday morning. I figured this would be best before it got too busy. Only to find out the station was closed for repairs and that a bus service to Maidstone was being provided.

Still, not to be diappointed, I got the bus and arrived in town. I was walking around in a big 'I don't give a fuck bubble'. Bought a magazine to read for the journey from a kiosk and was called 'love' by the man behind the till. If only you knew I thought... or did he? Who knows, but it fuelled my confidence.

So anyway, I got the train and it wasn't busy.... for about 2 stops. Then the train started getting busier the closer we got to London. To the point where there was people all around me both standing & sitting. Nervous doesn't describe it enough. I still have the image of the mans face, dark hair, balding, late 30's with his fixated on me. yes, he made me feel intimidated, but didnt say a word. But there was no harm done. 

Then as I left the tube at Portland Place, walking along the road I heard "you tart!" behind me as this short frumpy woman in her 30's walked past me. It took a moment or two to realise the comment was directed at me. I didnt mind though, in fact I took it as compliment on the basis that had she suspected me to be what I really was, I dont think she would have called me a tart. But it certainly gave me an idea how bitchy women can be!

And so that was the start of many days out. It was also the start of me researching transsexualism to try and understand myself better. I was sending off for information about surgery and the process etc.. but never acted on it. Something I do think back on and wonder what I would be doing now, what my life would be like if I had.

I didn't have a car until I was 20 and I remember running out of fags one night when I was dolled up. The closest place was a petrol station 3 miles away, too far for a lady to be walking gone midnight and particularly as I only owned high heels. So, I decided to call a taxi to take me wait outside and then drop me home again. The taxi driver didn't blink. Mad thinking back at it.

Bizarrely though, I didn't go clubbing en femme until my early 20's when I met my girlfriend. I guess pre-internet the thought of going clubbing on my own has the same appeal as it does now. i.e. not much fun. But still, my girlfriend was up for it as she is fascinated by the different sights on show.

Dressing as a woman, has never been a sexual thing for me. In fact, I am the least sexual person I know. I could quite easily go the rest of my life without sex. It just isn't that important to me. The art of blending into society is much more of a thrill and to be accepted in the female role doing everyday things gives me a much better buzz. That's just me.

So now, as I am much older, I have found a healthy balance. But I still wonder what route my life would take if I went fulltime as a female. It would be hard for sure, but woud I be happier? I simply dont know and that question I ask myself is probably the single biggest factor in why I haven't taken that step. Am I happy now? Very much so, but I think it is a natural human trait to want more even if we dont act on it.

Peace & Love

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